Unfulfilled

Ah, I'm here again. This time to vent my thoughts so excuse me if I don't make sense.
How I wish to write eloquently my feelings, but that would require me to sit down and edit things which I do not have the time for.
So let's get on to my problem, shall we?
I think, life is so sad. And this sadness unescapable. I keep loving life and trying to improve, but I always end up in the same position, Then, I would try again, and again, and again. It's a wonder how I don't end up mad. But I think I am. Once more. But this madness makes so much sense to me.
These days, I suppressed the feelings. I don't feel anything anymore or try not to. Because then, I would only have negative emotions, and from what I've learned about this disease that has kept me down, is that if I'm still alive, still breathing, that I should carry on with life with neutral emotions. Otherwise, I'd be living an unbearable life.
You know, I'd like to write like one of my favorite writers. Maybe I should sit down and edit my posts    later in the future.
I think the reason why I chose to write something in such a long time is because I think, I want to feel something. That maybe if I allow myself to have emotions again, that maybe those sad emotions will pass to become something rosier and bloomier. Just like my shit writing right now. Once I've ranted and tell all the bad stuff I've got to tell, that I will be able to find the meaningful things in life I've observed or conjectured upon on.
The sad reality of it all, of life in general, is that it does get better, but only slightly. Or maybe that's just me. Because I know I'm a person of the kind to not relish in her accomplishments, so maybe life has changed drastically before my eyes and I've yet to taken the good things into account. But what can you do when your emotions are numb. I do feel happiness from time to time though, but that's only because I push through. I'm a diligent person, aren't I?
You know, I've always struggled with friends. And I've made some now and I guess my life has been better. Without people, I don't think I could live. But I can't help feeling so ungrateful. These friends that I have do not fulfill me. I'm not sure they'd understand my feelings or if they even could help. I doubt it. Even if I just want them to listen. But do I really want them to listen or do I want to reply in perfect answers. I bet it's the latter. This is what I mean when I said I ask too much of my friends. But I do have hope for one best friend though. Maybe she will say words pleasing to my ears. Mayhaps.
I'm afraid. What if I let these feelings overcome me.? What if those rosy feelings never pass? Wouldn't I spiral into a deeper hole?
I'm afraid.
I've moved so where new, yet I don't feel happy even though this place is cleaner and probably 100x better than the last.
Ohhh haha. I've fallen into a fandom, but it's just .I talk about it so much and think and breathe it day by day that it exhausts my passions. I like that phrase, "exhausts my passions."
I just think, one of my (ex?)favorite characters was the light and joy of my life. But I've received enough sightings of him that wouldn't sustained me. Though it was nice to feel love, that euphoria that would come every moment I thought of him. If I was sad, I wouldn't have been for long if I thought of him. Only thing I hope is for the game to release and for him being able to replenish my comparable to what I call cocaine. Quick rushes of happiness without the requirement of much effort.
I winder if I have something left to say...
I feel like I could go on forever as the human mind can't stop coming with new thoughts until it's put to rest.
These are more thoughts at the moment. And perhaps more. Maybe I'll come again tomorrow.